The Coat Off Our Back

As a child, whenever my grandmother would talk about a generous person, she would usually end with the declaration, "He would give a stranger the coat off his back."  I've always associated this statement with true generosity, concern, and Christian love.  I mean, after all, we are all willing to do just about anything...for the people we know and love.  But to show that kind of love to a stranger is the mark of a truly caring person.

A few weeks ago the song "They Will Know We are Christians by Our Love" got stuck in my head.  As I hummed along, that song melded with the phrase so often used by my grandmother, and the mission project "Coat Off Your Back" was born.  

On Christmas Eve, members of our congregation will literally give the coats off their backs to be donated to MUST Ministries.  As we each make the walk from our warm and comfortable church to our warm and comfortable cars, in that cold and dark space between, we will stand in solidarity with the homeless and hungry, and we will let the world know we are Christians by our love for a stranger.  

MUST Ministries saw my Facebook post about this event and called to tell me that they are stealing the idea and asking other churches to do the same.  So on Christmas Eve, my prayer is that God and my grandmother are looking down on us and smiling, and that many others across the North Georgia Conference will join in this effort and give the coats off their backs.  The recipients of the coats may never see our faces, but they will feel our love.  And they'll know we are Christians by our love.

 

Standing in the gap,

Teresa

Expectant Waiting....really?

Advent.  A time of "expectant waiting."  As we begin a new year (in the Christian calendar) this coming Sunday, the idea of expectant waiting is sounding great to me.  It's just not much of a reality for most of us during this incredibly busy time of the year.

I am careful to always finish my Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving in the hopes of creating an atmosphere of expectant waiting.  But I find there is always something to fill the space, some new project, work, the needs of others, life. 

So in a world where most of us become impatient waiting on a digital music download, or, horrors, having to wait in line for more than 5 minutes at the market, how to we wait expectantly?

I think what we look for is what we find.

If we wait and watch, expecting to find God all around us, expecting to see grace, and love, and hope, we will find our expectations realized. 

So even in the midst of the chaos of shopping, cooking, cleaning, guests, and social obligations, my prayer is that we wait, expectant, for opportunities to love, to be peaceful, to serve, to meet the needs of others, to love and be loved.

What we look for is what we find.

Peace,
Teresa

Bold Boundaries and Deep Listening

Today I was a guest blogger on the Coaching4Clergy site.  Please visit it for some great info and training!  My thanks to J. Val Hastings MCC for the invitation to blog!

To Listen Deeply, Clergy Need Bold Boundaries

October 24, 2012 By c4cweb

 The following is a guest post by Reverend Teresa Angle-Young, one of my co-authors in Ministry 3.0.
In a recent coaching session with a pastor, he said, “I simply cannot hear God’s voice anymore.” He said this with a combination of fatigue, exasperation, fear and anger. After an hour of deeply listening to him, what I heard was a life too full – full of meetings, commitments and stress – a life overextended. Surely there was no time to stop and listen deeply to God. There was no time to listen deeply to his congregation. There was no time to listen deeply to the wisdom of scripture. And it was showing in a diminished quality to his sermons.
Most clergy have big hearts, full of compassion, and have a tendency to want to be all to all, usually at the expense of their personal lives, their health, and their own needs and desires, and often at the expense of being able to listen to God. While Jesus does call us to give selflessly, even Jesus took time away from the demands of ministry to take care of himself, to pray, to dine with friends, to form and nurture relationships, and to rest. He took time to listen deeply, to those around him and to God.
Why do we feel we can do more than Jesus?
One of the biggest challenges of ministry is knowing when to shut off the phone, to turn off the computer, and to simply rest and enjoy life. In order to provide care for others, we must care for ourselves. And in order to be an effective preacher, we must create boundaries to protect both our “down” time as well as our sermon preparation time.
Here are a few suggestions. Not every one will work for you, and some will not even apply to you. Boundaries are not the same for everyone, so consider these and pick the ones that you want to try.

•  Schedule one hour on your calendar at the beginning of the week to simply read your sermon text, pray over the text, and reflect on the text. Do not take calls or allow interruptions during this time.
• Observe a weekly sabbath. I know. I know. It is hard. But it’s also a commandment, and there is a good reason for that. Just do it.
• Look at your entire work week and try to map out where you spend your time. For example, there are 168 hours in a week. My advice is that you should sleep 1/3 of the time (56 hours), work 1/3 of the time (56 hours), and spend the other 1/3 (56 hours) in recreation, hobbies and other non-work related pursuits. Most clergy spend far more than 56 hours a week in ministry, at the expense of either sleep or family, friends, pets, fun, relaxation, hobbies, SABBATH, etc.
• Read a lot of non-religious writing. You’ll be shocked at how many sermon illustrations you’ll suddenly see.
• Go to movies, watch the news, and read blogs on the Internet. Listen to music. Read poetry. Read fiction. Eavesdrop on conversations! People watch! Stay up on current affairs. Again, it’s that sermon illustration thing…
• Eat the best, most nutritious food you can afford, and drink a lot of water. Not only will your body thank you, but your vocal chords will too. Cut out sugar-laden soft drinks.
• Exercise. Take a walk. Get your body moving in some way every couple of hours for at least 10 minutes or so. If you have physical limitations, consult your doctor and do what you are able to do. If nothing else, move to a different location and give yourself a few minutes just to drink in a new view or get some fresh air.

By creating boundaries you also have the opportunity to create balance, and in that balance, you’ll have time to listen, deeply, to the voice of God.
The Reverend Teresa Angle-Young is a United Methodist pastor and church planter in Atlanta, Georgia. Teresa coaches and consults with church planters, preachers, and speakers. This post is an excerpt from her upcoming book, Stressless Preaching: Getting to Sunday Without Losing Your Religion, coming November 2013 and available for pre-order on her website at www.stresslesspreaching.com. You can win a free copy by subscribing to Teresa’s newsletter before November 30, 2012.
Blessings,
Reverend Teresa Angle-Young

Filed Under: Val's Blog Tagged With: clergy training, coaching for clergy, teaching for clergy

Difficult Conversations & Deep Listening

    Arguably the most useful book in my library, other than my Bible, is “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” which came out of the Harvard Negotiation Project.  In it are great tips on how to turn a potential argument or conflict into a win-win for all parties.  I’ve used this book in my personal life, in business negotiations, in my coaching practice, in ministry, and in counseling couples in conflict. 

    The biggest shift we have to make when having difficult or uncomfortable conversations is to see the interaction as an opportunity to learn, not an opportunity to persuade or win.  And the only way to do that is to listen deeply to the other parties and to explore each others stories.  That’s when a potential fight turns into a discussion about how to clarify and problem solve so that everyone feels heard, affirmed, and validated.  In this way, the focus is on sharing, understanding, resolution, compromise, and growth, and when that is the focus, issues around blame diminish.

The next time you expect a difficult conversation, use these deep listening tools:

 Center yourself in prayer or meditation to create space in your heart and mind and ask yourself:
    What are my deepest feelings about this issue?
    What do I most want to communicate to the others involved about this issue?
    Where do I believe God is leading me?
Deep listening begins with listening to your own heart and mind and examining the feelings and emotions the situation evokes in you.

 During the conversation, ask more questions that you offer comments.  See what you can learn about the other persons involved and their feelings and thoughts.
    What do they need you to know about this issue?
    How does this look from their corner of the room?
    What emotions are behind their story?
Remember, this is a learning conversation.  Your goal is to discover and uncover what is really at the heart of the issue for the other person.  In that way, you are best equipped to address their concerns and fears.  You find out what is really important so no time is wasted on points that are really not central.

 Clarify anything you have questions about, and repeat your understanding of their story back to them.
    What I hear you saying is...
    I would like to learn more about your thoughts on this.
    I can hear the (insert emotion, statement of concern, etc.) in your voice.
    Please tell me more about this.
    I’d like you to clarify something for me.  I want to be sure I understand.
    This is my understanding of how you see this...
Often in difficult conversations, each person simply wants to feel that their position has been heard and be assured that you truly understand their position.  Make it your goal to really “walk a mile in their shoes” so that you approach the conversation with kindness and fairness.

    When we listen deeply, we learn much about ourselves and others, and in doing so, we open up opportunities for resolution that benefits everyone.

Peace,
Teresa

The Carrot

There is always a carrot dangling just out of my reach.  Yeah, I'm that sort of girl.  No matter what goal I set, when I'm close, or when I reach the goal, I always set another one just out of my reach...for now.

Now, some of you may think that is a good thing, to always strive to do better, or do more, but it is not. It's not because I never stop to really enjoy where I AM.  I'm always looking at WHAT'S NEXT...

That's a dangerous thing, in my work, in my ministry, in life, in relationships, in general. 

Setting goals is great.  I'm big on goal setting.  But I'm discovering it's healthy, and even critical, to take time and space to enjoy the moments, the small victories, or even the big ones.

Yes, there is STILL a lot to do and a long way to go, and I acknowledge that.  But I want to take a little time just to look around and celebrate where I am now.  I want to do that in my personal life and I want to do that in my work.  I've worked my rear end off (and yet it's still there...how does that happen?), and I have some big goals for the future, but for now, for a little while, I'm going to do a little happy dance for the work I've already done.

Then I'll have some fuel for the next step.  And believe me, there will be a next step!  I'm just like that.

Do you stop and celebrate, or is that carrot always out there, dangling, egging you on?  Is that a good thing, or has it caused you to lose sight of the awesomeness of now?

Think about it.

Teresa

Moving On

Tomorrow we move.  I'm excited about the move, but I'm going to miss our little piece of heaven. 

We've been here for 10 years...longer than I've lived anywhere in my adult life, longer than my children have lived anywhere in their lives.  I came here as a single mother, newly divorced, alone, lonely, leaving behind everything and everyone I knew in order to keep my children in the same town as their father. 

We've lived in a paradise, on a lake, with hawks and geese and ducks and bluebirds, and butterflies, and nature all around.  I re-married on the banks of our lake, and my son picked a flower from our garden for me to add to my bouquet.  We stopped the ceremony for it.

I've nursed sick children, entertained friends, worked into the night on a new church, packed my beauty/baby/now grown daughter for camp and later college, sat alone on the deck staring into the night stars when I couldn't sleep, held my "life dog" in my arms as he lay dying, chased chickens, laughed until I thought I would lose my breath, and cried a river of tears in this place. 

Tomorrow, we start, as my son puts it, a new season. 

Thank you Woodlake Court, for protecting us from storms, keeping us warm in winter and cool in summer, sheltering us from the rain, and giving me a safe, happy place to raise a family. 

I pray my blessings on the young couple that will also begin a new season tomorrow, and on their children.  I hope the memories and good energy of this place will help them build what Phil, Rebecca, Andrew, Marissa, Porkchop, Duke, Buck, Ginger, Nutmeg, Jasmine, Kirby, Sassafras, Shelley, Dinah, and I have had here....a home.  Not just a house, but a home.

And may the love, security, and commitment of our beautiful family go with us to our new home. 

With hope in my heart,
Teresa

Transitions

We move in a week.  Just saying it out loud makes my stomach lurch.  We've lived in this house for 10 years...longer than I've lived anywhere as an adult.  Honestly, I like to move, and I like culling and cleaning out and decluttering.  So why the stomach somersaults?  Transitions are hard, even when they are desirable.

I have friends who are changing jobs, ending marriages, starting relationships, questioning faith, struggling with illness, teetering on addiction, and more, and all those are transitions of one kind or another - from married to single or vice versa, from faith to doubt, from health to disease, from companionship to loss, from sobriety to addiction. 

How do you handle transition and the expected stress that naturally comes with it?  I tend to do two things: have a good cry at least once a day, then turn my attention to the next thing that has to be done.  In that way, I honor the stress, the uncertainty, and the risk, but I don't allow myself to wallow in it.  Life is too short to wallow.  Each moment spent dwelling over the abyss that is fear and regret only increases the risk of falling into the abyss.  I prefer to wipe my eyes, say a prayer of thanks for the lessons/gifts/challenges/growth I've experienced in whatever I'm leaving, then get a big ol' running start and jump headlong into the present.

So cry, laugh, shake your fist, or do whatever you need to do to bring closure, then keep moving ahead. 

Blessings,
Teresa