Difficult Conversations & Deep Listening

    Arguably the most useful book in my library, other than my Bible, is “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” which came out of the Harvard Negotiation Project.  In it are great tips on how to turn a potential argument or conflict into a win-win for all parties.  I’ve used this book in my personal life, in business negotiations, in my coaching practice, in ministry, and in counseling couples in conflict. 

    The biggest shift we have to make when having difficult or uncomfortable conversations is to see the interaction as an opportunity to learn, not an opportunity to persuade or win.  And the only way to do that is to listen deeply to the other parties and to explore each others stories.  That’s when a potential fight turns into a discussion about how to clarify and problem solve so that everyone feels heard, affirmed, and validated.  In this way, the focus is on sharing, understanding, resolution, compromise, and growth, and when that is the focus, issues around blame diminish.

The next time you expect a difficult conversation, use these deep listening tools:

 Center yourself in prayer or meditation to create space in your heart and mind and ask yourself:
    What are my deepest feelings about this issue?
    What do I most want to communicate to the others involved about this issue?
    Where do I believe God is leading me?
Deep listening begins with listening to your own heart and mind and examining the feelings and emotions the situation evokes in you.

 During the conversation, ask more questions that you offer comments.  See what you can learn about the other persons involved and their feelings and thoughts.
    What do they need you to know about this issue?
    How does this look from their corner of the room?
    What emotions are behind their story?
Remember, this is a learning conversation.  Your goal is to discover and uncover what is really at the heart of the issue for the other person.  In that way, you are best equipped to address their concerns and fears.  You find out what is really important so no time is wasted on points that are really not central.

 Clarify anything you have questions about, and repeat your understanding of their story back to them.
    What I hear you saying is...
    I would like to learn more about your thoughts on this.
    I can hear the (insert emotion, statement of concern, etc.) in your voice.
    Please tell me more about this.
    I’d like you to clarify something for me.  I want to be sure I understand.
    This is my understanding of how you see this...
Often in difficult conversations, each person simply wants to feel that their position has been heard and be assured that you truly understand their position.  Make it your goal to really “walk a mile in their shoes” so that you approach the conversation with kindness and fairness.

    When we listen deeply, we learn much about ourselves and others, and in doing so, we open up opportunities for resolution that benefits everyone.

Peace,
Teresa

The Carrot

There is always a carrot dangling just out of my reach.  Yeah, I'm that sort of girl.  No matter what goal I set, when I'm close, or when I reach the goal, I always set another one just out of my reach...for now.

Now, some of you may think that is a good thing, to always strive to do better, or do more, but it is not. It's not because I never stop to really enjoy where I AM.  I'm always looking at WHAT'S NEXT...

That's a dangerous thing, in my work, in my ministry, in life, in relationships, in general. 

Setting goals is great.  I'm big on goal setting.  But I'm discovering it's healthy, and even critical, to take time and space to enjoy the moments, the small victories, or even the big ones.

Yes, there is STILL a lot to do and a long way to go, and I acknowledge that.  But I want to take a little time just to look around and celebrate where I am now.  I want to do that in my personal life and I want to do that in my work.  I've worked my rear end off (and yet it's still there...how does that happen?), and I have some big goals for the future, but for now, for a little while, I'm going to do a little happy dance for the work I've already done.

Then I'll have some fuel for the next step.  And believe me, there will be a next step!  I'm just like that.

Do you stop and celebrate, or is that carrot always out there, dangling, egging you on?  Is that a good thing, or has it caused you to lose sight of the awesomeness of now?

Think about it.

Teresa