Control Freak

I came to a terrifying realization today. 

I am not in control.

No matter how much I try, I cannot control life, the world, or much of anything.  I can't control whether or not my church is successful, even though I work very hard to make it so.  I can't control whether or not people get sick, or well, including me, although I try my best to eat right and stay healthy and encourage those around me to do the same too.  I can't control how others think, or the decisions they make, but I try to model responsible behavior and make reasonable and rational cases for what I believe is right.  I can't control if someone loves me, or hates me, or ignores me, or makes fun of me, or if they do and say unkind things to others.

You'd think a reasonable and rational person such as myself would know that already.  Well, apparently not.  (or the obvious is true...that I'm really not as reasonable and rational as I would like to believe!)

See, I grew up believing that if I did everything "right" that everything in life would turn out fine.  Didn't happen.  I look around at the world and I see it happening to others who are also trying very hard to do everything right, and then seeing bad things happen.

If I could, I would "fix" things and people.  Sometimes I make the huge mistake of thinking I'm smart enough to do that.  Well, apparently not.

I joke about this, but it's a serious thing, and at 54, a realization I am just coming to truly embrace.

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I really want to control my world.  But I cannot.

I'm reminded today of what many of you who have fought addictions already know is the foundation of recovery.  Admitting I am powerless.  Or in my case, that my power can only be over how I respond and react and how I conduct myself. 

Control is my addiction, and I am powerless over it. 

Every single place of fear in my life comes from that core realization.....I am not in control of life...of anything.

My hope is that by taking that first step...admitting that I have a problem, I'll begin to loosen the white-knuckled grip I have on the reins and just try to hold on for the ride.  Maybe then God, the power of the universe, the One that is in me and strengthens me, will take over. 

So, for 2013, I have one resolution:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

 

What is your soft, vulnerable spot?  What makes you shudder when it goes thump in the night? 

The Coat Off Our Back

As a child, whenever my grandmother would talk about a generous person, she would usually end with the declaration, "He would give a stranger the coat off his back."  I've always associated this statement with true generosity, concern, and Christian love.  I mean, after all, we are all willing to do just about anything...for the people we know and love.  But to show that kind of love to a stranger is the mark of a truly caring person.

A few weeks ago the song "They Will Know We are Christians by Our Love" got stuck in my head.  As I hummed along, that song melded with the phrase so often used by my grandmother, and the mission project "Coat Off Your Back" was born.  

On Christmas Eve, members of our congregation will literally give the coats off their backs to be donated to MUST Ministries.  As we each make the walk from our warm and comfortable church to our warm and comfortable cars, in that cold and dark space between, we will stand in solidarity with the homeless and hungry, and we will let the world know we are Christians by our love for a stranger.  

MUST Ministries saw my Facebook post about this event and called to tell me that they are stealing the idea and asking other churches to do the same.  So on Christmas Eve, my prayer is that God and my grandmother are looking down on us and smiling, and that many others across the North Georgia Conference will join in this effort and give the coats off their backs.  The recipients of the coats may never see our faces, but they will feel our love.  And they'll know we are Christians by our love.

 

Standing in the gap,

Teresa

Expectant Waiting....really?

Advent.  A time of "expectant waiting."  As we begin a new year (in the Christian calendar) this coming Sunday, the idea of expectant waiting is sounding great to me.  It's just not much of a reality for most of us during this incredibly busy time of the year.

I am careful to always finish my Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving in the hopes of creating an atmosphere of expectant waiting.  But I find there is always something to fill the space, some new project, work, the needs of others, life. 

So in a world where most of us become impatient waiting on a digital music download, or, horrors, having to wait in line for more than 5 minutes at the market, how to we wait expectantly?

I think what we look for is what we find.

If we wait and watch, expecting to find God all around us, expecting to see grace, and love, and hope, we will find our expectations realized. 

So even in the midst of the chaos of shopping, cooking, cleaning, guests, and social obligations, my prayer is that we wait, expectant, for opportunities to love, to be peaceful, to serve, to meet the needs of others, to love and be loved.

What we look for is what we find.

Peace,
Teresa

Bold Boundaries and Deep Listening

Today I was a guest blogger on the Coaching4Clergy site.  Please visit it for some great info and training!  My thanks to J. Val Hastings MCC for the invitation to blog!

To Listen Deeply, Clergy Need Bold Boundaries

October 24, 2012 By c4cweb

 The following is a guest post by Reverend Teresa Angle-Young, one of my co-authors in Ministry 3.0.
In a recent coaching session with a pastor, he said, “I simply cannot hear God’s voice anymore.” He said this with a combination of fatigue, exasperation, fear and anger. After an hour of deeply listening to him, what I heard was a life too full – full of meetings, commitments and stress – a life overextended. Surely there was no time to stop and listen deeply to God. There was no time to listen deeply to his congregation. There was no time to listen deeply to the wisdom of scripture. And it was showing in a diminished quality to his sermons.
Most clergy have big hearts, full of compassion, and have a tendency to want to be all to all, usually at the expense of their personal lives, their health, and their own needs and desires, and often at the expense of being able to listen to God. While Jesus does call us to give selflessly, even Jesus took time away from the demands of ministry to take care of himself, to pray, to dine with friends, to form and nurture relationships, and to rest. He took time to listen deeply, to those around him and to God.
Why do we feel we can do more than Jesus?
One of the biggest challenges of ministry is knowing when to shut off the phone, to turn off the computer, and to simply rest and enjoy life. In order to provide care for others, we must care for ourselves. And in order to be an effective preacher, we must create boundaries to protect both our “down” time as well as our sermon preparation time.
Here are a few suggestions. Not every one will work for you, and some will not even apply to you. Boundaries are not the same for everyone, so consider these and pick the ones that you want to try.

•  Schedule one hour on your calendar at the beginning of the week to simply read your sermon text, pray over the text, and reflect on the text. Do not take calls or allow interruptions during this time.
• Observe a weekly sabbath. I know. I know. It is hard. But it’s also a commandment, and there is a good reason for that. Just do it.
• Look at your entire work week and try to map out where you spend your time. For example, there are 168 hours in a week. My advice is that you should sleep 1/3 of the time (56 hours), work 1/3 of the time (56 hours), and spend the other 1/3 (56 hours) in recreation, hobbies and other non-work related pursuits. Most clergy spend far more than 56 hours a week in ministry, at the expense of either sleep or family, friends, pets, fun, relaxation, hobbies, SABBATH, etc.
• Read a lot of non-religious writing. You’ll be shocked at how many sermon illustrations you’ll suddenly see.
• Go to movies, watch the news, and read blogs on the Internet. Listen to music. Read poetry. Read fiction. Eavesdrop on conversations! People watch! Stay up on current affairs. Again, it’s that sermon illustration thing…
• Eat the best, most nutritious food you can afford, and drink a lot of water. Not only will your body thank you, but your vocal chords will too. Cut out sugar-laden soft drinks.
• Exercise. Take a walk. Get your body moving in some way every couple of hours for at least 10 minutes or so. If you have physical limitations, consult your doctor and do what you are able to do. If nothing else, move to a different location and give yourself a few minutes just to drink in a new view or get some fresh air.

By creating boundaries you also have the opportunity to create balance, and in that balance, you’ll have time to listen, deeply, to the voice of God.
The Reverend Teresa Angle-Young is a United Methodist pastor and church planter in Atlanta, Georgia. Teresa coaches and consults with church planters, preachers, and speakers. This post is an excerpt from her upcoming book, Stressless Preaching: Getting to Sunday Without Losing Your Religion, coming November 2013 and available for pre-order on her website at www.stresslesspreaching.com. You can win a free copy by subscribing to Teresa’s newsletter before November 30, 2012.
Blessings,
Reverend Teresa Angle-Young

Filed Under: Val's Blog Tagged With: clergy training, coaching for clergy, teaching for clergy

Difficult Conversations & Deep Listening

    Arguably the most useful book in my library, other than my Bible, is “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” which came out of the Harvard Negotiation Project.  In it are great tips on how to turn a potential argument or conflict into a win-win for all parties.  I’ve used this book in my personal life, in business negotiations, in my coaching practice, in ministry, and in counseling couples in conflict. 

    The biggest shift we have to make when having difficult or uncomfortable conversations is to see the interaction as an opportunity to learn, not an opportunity to persuade or win.  And the only way to do that is to listen deeply to the other parties and to explore each others stories.  That’s when a potential fight turns into a discussion about how to clarify and problem solve so that everyone feels heard, affirmed, and validated.  In this way, the focus is on sharing, understanding, resolution, compromise, and growth, and when that is the focus, issues around blame diminish.

The next time you expect a difficult conversation, use these deep listening tools:

 Center yourself in prayer or meditation to create space in your heart and mind and ask yourself:
    What are my deepest feelings about this issue?
    What do I most want to communicate to the others involved about this issue?
    Where do I believe God is leading me?
Deep listening begins with listening to your own heart and mind and examining the feelings and emotions the situation evokes in you.

 During the conversation, ask more questions that you offer comments.  See what you can learn about the other persons involved and their feelings and thoughts.
    What do they need you to know about this issue?
    How does this look from their corner of the room?
    What emotions are behind their story?
Remember, this is a learning conversation.  Your goal is to discover and uncover what is really at the heart of the issue for the other person.  In that way, you are best equipped to address their concerns and fears.  You find out what is really important so no time is wasted on points that are really not central.

 Clarify anything you have questions about, and repeat your understanding of their story back to them.
    What I hear you saying is...
    I would like to learn more about your thoughts on this.
    I can hear the (insert emotion, statement of concern, etc.) in your voice.
    Please tell me more about this.
    I’d like you to clarify something for me.  I want to be sure I understand.
    This is my understanding of how you see this...
Often in difficult conversations, each person simply wants to feel that their position has been heard and be assured that you truly understand their position.  Make it your goal to really “walk a mile in their shoes” so that you approach the conversation with kindness and fairness.

    When we listen deeply, we learn much about ourselves and others, and in doing so, we open up opportunities for resolution that benefits everyone.

Peace,
Teresa

The Carrot

There is always a carrot dangling just out of my reach.  Yeah, I'm that sort of girl.  No matter what goal I set, when I'm close, or when I reach the goal, I always set another one just out of my reach...for now.

Now, some of you may think that is a good thing, to always strive to do better, or do more, but it is not. It's not because I never stop to really enjoy where I AM.  I'm always looking at WHAT'S NEXT...

That's a dangerous thing, in my work, in my ministry, in life, in relationships, in general. 

Setting goals is great.  I'm big on goal setting.  But I'm discovering it's healthy, and even critical, to take time and space to enjoy the moments, the small victories, or even the big ones.

Yes, there is STILL a lot to do and a long way to go, and I acknowledge that.  But I want to take a little time just to look around and celebrate where I am now.  I want to do that in my personal life and I want to do that in my work.  I've worked my rear end off (and yet it's still there...how does that happen?), and I have some big goals for the future, but for now, for a little while, I'm going to do a little happy dance for the work I've already done.

Then I'll have some fuel for the next step.  And believe me, there will be a next step!  I'm just like that.

Do you stop and celebrate, or is that carrot always out there, dangling, egging you on?  Is that a good thing, or has it caused you to lose sight of the awesomeness of now?

Think about it.

Teresa

Moving On

Tomorrow we move.  I'm excited about the move, but I'm going to miss our little piece of heaven. 

We've been here for 10 years...longer than I've lived anywhere in my adult life, longer than my children have lived anywhere in their lives.  I came here as a single mother, newly divorced, alone, lonely, leaving behind everything and everyone I knew in order to keep my children in the same town as their father. 

We've lived in a paradise, on a lake, with hawks and geese and ducks and bluebirds, and butterflies, and nature all around.  I re-married on the banks of our lake, and my son picked a flower from our garden for me to add to my bouquet.  We stopped the ceremony for it.

I've nursed sick children, entertained friends, worked into the night on a new church, packed my beauty/baby/now grown daughter for camp and later college, sat alone on the deck staring into the night stars when I couldn't sleep, held my "life dog" in my arms as he lay dying, chased chickens, laughed until I thought I would lose my breath, and cried a river of tears in this place. 

Tomorrow, we start, as my son puts it, a new season. 

Thank you Woodlake Court, for protecting us from storms, keeping us warm in winter and cool in summer, sheltering us from the rain, and giving me a safe, happy place to raise a family. 

I pray my blessings on the young couple that will also begin a new season tomorrow, and on their children.  I hope the memories and good energy of this place will help them build what Phil, Rebecca, Andrew, Marissa, Porkchop, Duke, Buck, Ginger, Nutmeg, Jasmine, Kirby, Sassafras, Shelley, Dinah, and I have had here....a home.  Not just a house, but a home.

And may the love, security, and commitment of our beautiful family go with us to our new home. 

With hope in my heart,
Teresa

Transitions

We move in a week.  Just saying it out loud makes my stomach lurch.  We've lived in this house for 10 years...longer than I've lived anywhere as an adult.  Honestly, I like to move, and I like culling and cleaning out and decluttering.  So why the stomach somersaults?  Transitions are hard, even when they are desirable.

I have friends who are changing jobs, ending marriages, starting relationships, questioning faith, struggling with illness, teetering on addiction, and more, and all those are transitions of one kind or another - from married to single or vice versa, from faith to doubt, from health to disease, from companionship to loss, from sobriety to addiction. 

How do you handle transition and the expected stress that naturally comes with it?  I tend to do two things: have a good cry at least once a day, then turn my attention to the next thing that has to be done.  In that way, I honor the stress, the uncertainty, and the risk, but I don't allow myself to wallow in it.  Life is too short to wallow.  Each moment spent dwelling over the abyss that is fear and regret only increases the risk of falling into the abyss.  I prefer to wipe my eyes, say a prayer of thanks for the lessons/gifts/challenges/growth I've experienced in whatever I'm leaving, then get a big ol' running start and jump headlong into the present.

So cry, laugh, shake your fist, or do whatever you need to do to bring closure, then keep moving ahead. 

Blessings,
Teresa

Never Bought a Father's Day Card

It occurred to me yesterday, as a celebrated Father's Day with my husband that I had never in my life purchased a Father's Day card. 

You may think I'm going to say that I always made a sweet, handmade card.  But no.  I wish that were the case.

My parents were divorced when I was 18 months old and my father lived very far away from us.  He visited a couple of times a year, at first, then rarely as I got older, and then years would go by and I wouldn't hear from him. 

My father suffered from alcoholism.  That's a very polite way of saying that he was a drunk.  He wasn't an elegant but sometimes frustrating man with a drinking problem.  He never held a job for longer than a month.  He called my elementary school drunk insisting they make me come to the phone.  He threatened to kill himself if I didn't persuade my mother to return to him (and I was only six at the time).  He was a mess.  An incredibly handsome, brilliant, talented, tortured mess. 

It just wasn't a greeting card sort of relationship.

When I was in college, my father's girlfriends, who were numerous, were younger than I was.  He would later father a child, now 30, with a woman who was a drug addict and skipped town leaving him with a baby, raised by his family.  She is now an addicted mess too.

But before you think I hated my father, let me set the record straight.  I adored him.  I loved him beyond reason.  I tried everything I knew to get him in recovery.  And when he died, in his early 50s, I attended his funeral and grieved the father I never had, but who taught me everything I needed to know about the dangers of addiction, about loneliness, about the courage needed to fight demons, and most of all, about forgiveness.  I learned how to work hard and stay away from drugs and alcohol.  I learned to build and sustain healthy relationships.  I learned about boundaries.  And I learned a lot about grace.

His family loved and cared for him for the duration.  Enabling?  Probably.  I don't recommend it by the way.  But they tried, the best they could, and he likely lived a lot longer because of them.

A few weeks ago, my aunt called to say that she wanted to send me my parent's wedding pictures and a few heirlooms from Ireland that my great-great-grandfather brought over when he married my native american great-great-grandmother.  I was delighted, not just about the pictures and the things, but delighted that for the first time in my life, I was able to thank her for taking care of my dad, for the grace she had shown in dealing with his disease.  She cried.  I smiled.

So even though we didn't have a Hallmark relationship, my father taught me much.  He was well loved, by me and by many.  Now, I see those who struggle and suffer in a different way.

Was my father's illness God's plan?  Of course not!  Did God help me see through a different, more compassionate lens because of my experience with his illness?  Absolutely. 

So for those of you who may have had difficult relationships with your father, I encourage you to allow God to heal that by seeing the grace in it.  I didn't get what I wanted, but I got something very valuable. 

Happy Father's Day Daddy. 

Teresa

So Who am I?

Do you ever struggle with self-doubt?  I believe that even the most confident person has moments of self-doubt (unless they are either delusional or totally self actuated)!

I don't consider myself a risk taker, but I am an opportunity taker.  If I am given an opening, I will "go for it" just about every time.  And why not?  In 100 years, will anyone even know if I risked and failed, or missed the mark?  Am I really all that?

I think we both inflate our own importance and minimize our own potential.  We are too shy or embarrassed or lack the confidence to think we can and should be happy and successful and accomplished, and that puts more importance on our individual selves than is probably healthy.  And yet, we also forget that we are part of an organism, of a greater creation, that needs each individual entity functioning at optimal capacity in order to be healthy.  So, we are both a small cog and part of a great machinery.

As I anticipate the publication of a book in July, and another in August or September, write my doctoral dissertation, begin another book for publication in August 2013, step into certified professional coaching, continue growing a unique and wonderful community of faith, see my changing role as a parent of two adults rather than two children, and dream of all my future may hold, I am not immune to that nagging self-doubt, that fear of failure or ridicule.  After all, who am I? 

Well, isn't that just the bottom line, the heart of the matter?  Who am I?

I am, like all of you, created in the image of God, filled with God's own spirit, bold and timid, hopeful and conflicted, eager and wary.  But in those moments when I see the door open, and I catch a glimpse of who I really am and what can be if I am only willing to seize the ring, I am filled with gratitude at the opportunities that the universe provides, and ready to jump, head long and with a shout of joy, into life.  And I hope you will too.

Ready?  Set.  Go!

Teresa

www.stresslesspreaching.com

The Rule of 56

Does your life have balance?  Most of us are way out of whack when it comes to creating time for rest, work, and recreation.  A good friend of mine pointed out to me some time ago the Rule of 56.

Look at your entire week and try to map out where you spend your time then check for balance.  For example, there are  168 hours in a week.  My advice is that you should sleep 1/3 of the time (56 hours), work 1/3 of the time (56 hours), and spend the other 1/3 (56 hours) in recreation, hobbies, and other non-work related pursuits.  Most of us spend far more than 56 hours a week working, at the expense of either sleep or family/friends/pets/fun/relaxation/hobbies/SABBATH/etc. 

Where do you need to create balance?

I cover this and more in my book, Stressless Preaching, which will be released in July!

The Journey

This has been quite a couple of weeks.  Last week, I was reeling with disappointment and sadness after watching the General Conference of the United Methodist Church.  My heart ached.  I was angry.  I felt conflicted.  And all of those emotions are still there, but I found solace and strength in seeing the huge numbers of clergy and laity who have responded in similar outrage and sadness.  My sadness has slowly started to turn to hopefulness, hope founded in a renewed vision for the church, hope founded in an unwillingness to stay silent any longer.

Then came this week.  I cannot even tell you how many wonderful things have happened this week.  It's amazing the difference a week can make.  This week, things just started happening.  But as I examine each thing, I realize these are not sudden graces.  I've been working on and toward all of these things for weeks, months, sometimes years.

Sometimes I am so short-sighted.  My emotions hinge on what is happening right here, right now, rather than seeing the long picture.  I am focused on the path I am on, one step at a time, and when that path is rocky or steep or my feet hurt or I'm out of breath and energy, like any human, I get discouraged.  Some might call that mindfulness, or living in the present, but that's not true.  Mindfulness is being in the moment, then letting it go in order to experience the next moment.  I was bogged down in the previous moment.

My plan is to try to focus more on the big picture, and to see how the small things, the habits and practices of each day, are either furthering me on the journey or wasting my energy.  What difference does one set back make if I am making steady progress in the right direction?  What difference does one General Conference make when so many are throwing off the constraints of church politics and flinging open the doors of our churches in love?

This week, I wish for myself and for all of you, that we look past the immediate to see the graces afforded us every day.  To feel the pain of the pebble in our shoe, and to understand that it's okay to stop for a moment, remove it, and then keep walking.

Hoping to see you on the hike.

Teresa

A Prayer for Lent

I wrote this for our service a few weeks ago, and several of you have asked for a copy.  I hope it brings you peace.

God, in the stillness of this moment, I allow myself to feel your healing presence. 
I allow myself to feel your holy energy surrounding me like a familiar blanket, soft, warm, and safe. 
In this moment, I release my fear, my worry, my anger, and any negative emotion I may be feeling.
Enfolded in your power, I relax into your goodness, your light, and I rest here for as long as I need.
I open my heart to your renewing love.
I open my heart to forgiveness.
I open my heart to receive love from others.
And in this moment, I see myself as you see me...a beautiful and  perfect child of the Universe.
My life is your gift to me.  The way I choose to live it is my gift to you. 
As I make this journey through Lent, show me a clear path to you.
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

The Reverend Teresa Angle-Young (Feb. 2012)

Finding Hope

Lent is always a very interesting time for me, a time to assess and reassess, to look deeply into my heart and soul and ask the hard questions, the probing questions, about my life, about my witness, and about my spirit. 

When Jesus entered the desert for 40 days, he struggled.  He wrestled with his demons.  He was tempted by his frailties.  He had to decide if he would take what the world offered, or live into a new reality, a new hope.  He chose hope.  And he chose it knowing that it might just get him killed, but he took that risk in order to show us a better way, a higher path, and in doing so, he revealed the heart of God.

Sometimes decisions are difficult, sometimes life is challenging and unfair, and we all have to struggle with our own humanity, face our own temptations and demons, and make the decision to live bravely in the face of those things, or to succumb to the easy path.

As we each take that inventory of our lives, as we try to live into the example of Jesus, my prayer for myself and for each of you is that we look past the temptation, past the fear, and past the loneliness in our lives, to find hope, that we face challenges with courage and resolve, and most of all, that like Jesus, we remember who we are, beloved children of God, made in God's image, and carrying the light of God's spirit inside of us. 

May your light shine in the wilderness.

Blessings for a holy Lent,
Teresa

Entering the Wilderness

When we travel, we all want things to go smoothly, to have fun, and to stay safe.  But not all journeys are like that.  Such is the journey through Lent, which we embark upon today.

Today is Ash Wednesday, a day when we are reminded that life is fleeting, and often too short, and that we waste a lot of it.  It is a day when we mark the beginning of a journey, one that takes us inside ourselves, where we take that fearless moral inventory, face our demons, are confronted with temptation, and ultimately, where we face our greatest questions about faith and God. 

It is not an easy journey.  It is dangerous, and scary, to stare into the reality of our mortality, at the reality of who we really are and how we are spending the life we have been given, and then to look into the face of God and see how we measure up to being the person that God created us to be, in God's own image, with God's own spirit residing in us. 

I cannot pray for any of us to have an easy journey.  Rather, I pray for us to have a brave one, to be fearless and honest and willing. 

Wishing you a holy Lent,

Teresa